When I remember Eva

When I remember Eva, I remember long pigtails flipped on top of my head, I remember walking thru Fred Meyers ashamed of my goofy hair but excited to eat at Roses once again. I remember bunches of vitamins by my breakfast plate and bleach bottles full of scalding hot water at the bottom of my bed at night to keep my feet warm. I remember the can by the end of the bed so if I had to get up in the night to pee I would not fall down the extremely steep stairs... I remember her Salvation Army hat, her bell and the Salvation Army camp song... I remember being called Shanni, I remember the feel of my face nestled in her well endowed breasts while she stroked my head and promised all would be OK.

I remember the anger on her face when anyone hurt those that were hers... I remember her driving the wrong way on a one way street at a time in her life when driving was quickly becoming a thing of the past.. I remember her sitting in her chair watching the Ed Sullivan show and the love she had for her husband of many years. I remember bananas, I remember the bowl full of candy when we would come to visit.. I remember that all was safe in her arms, in the bed her and I shared when I stayed over. I remember feeling safe and loved.

I remember her day to die, still so vividly, even though it was many years ago, me by her side just as she was by my side when I was born into this world.... I remember her last breath. I remember my overwhelming pain as I said goodbye to the only stability I had known, my beloved grandmother. I love you my grandma... I miss you, some days more than others.. I cannot say why, I just do... You blessed my life, you prayed me into the kingdom, I pray I make you proud, and lastly I cannot wait to stand by your side again...

Lingering

Today I was driving in what is known in Oregon in November as a beautiful day. The day was clear, but cold. The trees in splendor known as fall colors. I began to think about how quickly my days go by, how I am always so focused on moving on to the next event, the next task, thinking about what needs to be done. I realized that I hadnt even stopped to enjoy this gorgeous day, I didnt stop and smell the crispness of the air, I hadnt even allowed the sun to shine on my face. So focused on the needs, the wants I forgot to feel what it is like to live.

When was the last time I lingered to watch my dogs play, my daughter smile, the trees change in this season of Autumn. How long has it been since I lingered in the moment, how long since I paused in my husbands arms to smell him, hear his heartbeat, feel his breath on my face. How long since I paused in my Saviors presence, felt the sweet silent voice that whispers to my soul, its OK, all is well. I havent lingered anywhere in such a long time. What stands in my way? The need for accomplishment, maybe the need for acknowledgement, the need to constantly move thru life at the pace society dictates.

It seems so much focus is on finding happy, getting the things that represent happy, I forget to stop and linger in the moment that is happy. This moment, this day, this time of my life I find is happy. So Shannon linger, enjoy it, forget about tomorrow, the tasks that lay ahead, smell the day, watch the dogs play, linger in your loves presence and know that your God and Savior loves you in this moment. All that is required from me is to simply linger, live and enjoy happy.

Nurture Me

With loving hands he dug the dirt, he fertilized then planted me deep within the ground. I gained my bearings, I began to reach for the sky. I embraced the fertile soil, I reached for the warmth of the sunshine and drank of the moisture that so freely existed in the beginning. Then the sun went cold, the earth dried up, the flower that once thrived so fully in the richness of all that was, began to wilt. Her petals slowly browned, and fell one by one to the ground. One day she just stopped reaching for the sky knowing that it would only bring disappointment and grief. The beauty that was this flower then simply died.

This flower so expectant and excited for what the future would bring, simply withered and blew away. Then he became aware of the smell of death and was grieved at what had become of the flower and his role in her demise, He decided that he must provide water, he must bring some warmth to this once beautiful flower; simply to find that all the water and warmth in the world will never bring this lovely creation back to life. She is simply gone and now he must face the fact and the consequences that love without nurture slowly and surely becomes death, and loss. Life without risk, is truly no life at all.

So nurture those you love, care for them, hold them and never let them feel your coldness, do not push them away for reasons of pride, anger, fear or bitterness. Embrace life and those that make life worth living and the beauty in your life will grow exponentially.

Shannon

The lights are out...

My family and I were sitting last night enjoying a wind and rain storm, something us Oregonians are pretty use to. The lights were flickering, the cable shut off for a short moment, it was then that my daughter who is now 21 and a mother herself made the funniest of comments that started me thinking. She told me that her favorite times and memories was when she was a kid and the lights would go out due to a storm. She described the candles, the flashlights, the games and how we all huddled together and had special family time.

It caused me to remember those moments with a mixture of feelings, some happy some sad. I too enjoyed the giggling, the candles, the goofing off but mostly I remember the quiet. It was just us, a family, no TV, no phones, no radio, really no noise at all, just the sounds that families make when they are interacting. I attribute the sadness to how few the times were that our lights were out. How much did we miss as a family because PGE was pretty reliable even in the worst of weather. If I could go back, hindsight being 20/20 I would occasionally super stealth, switch the breaker, light up the candles and huddle as a family, laughing and giggling in the dark with no distractions to separate us. What seemed to be annoyance's truly turned out to be some of our best family time. God bless those simple annoyances, allow me to always see the blessings behind the events that cause the lights to go out.

God bless....

Shannon

Simple Blessing's

This week I spent 12 hours in what I felt was one's interpretation of Hell. My work day began with getting our assignments, two patients down the critical care hall. Not usually a terrible task however this day would be a challenge. My one patient was suffering from what we know as ICU delirium, after days in our world some patients wake up in a maze of confusion, making them very difficult to manage. While this is not his fault by any means, it is a challenge to us in the nursing world as it is our responsibility to keep our patients safe. My second patient is a young man, gravely ill and was also quite busy. Now being busy isnt such a problem, it is when nothing seems to go right, getting your patient ready for surgery at 3PM then they show up at 1PM, the exact time your other patient is scheduled for a procedure in his room, just stuff like that. Drains that arent suppose to leak and run on the floor do, basically from the beginning to the end everything that could go wrong did. Now I must clarify that my patients were safe at all times which is a relief to me however it was the kind of day that caused me to embrace both tears and doubt.

The purpose of this blog is not just to whine about my day, even though it was a definite whine inspiring day. It is to share what was the one moment that made the whole day, all the craziness, all the frustrations, big and small, completely worthwhile. It was the end of the shift, Im tired, I sat down once in 12 hours for about 15 minutes where I tried to eat something in spite of the knawing pain in my tooth, different blog, different time. I had just received my young patient back from the OR, I am attempting to care for him while working on keeping my other patient safe from himself when the young man's dad walks up to me, puts his hand on my shoulder and with tears in his eyes said to me "Thank you so much for caring for my son, your doing a wonderful job". I didnt have time to slow down and allow those words to minister to me at that time, Im sure I said something appropriate but was too busy to embrace the moment. The one moment that was intended to ease the pain of this day.

On my drive home I spent time reflecting on my day, the horror of it, and then as I got to the end of my day, that one moment between tired, frightened father and exhaused, frazzled and frustrated nurse. It made me think about how many days do I allow to pass without finding that one moment that makes it all OK, maybe better than OK, possibly even great. This fathers words to me that evening were a gift, a message from God telling me there is a reason for what you do, even your worst days your still touching lives, making a difference in my kingdom. My nightmare day blessed someone and that will always be what I consider to be a great day.

New life

Last month I was blessed to watch the birth of Kaidan James. It was an incredible emotional moment in my life, watching my baby have her baby. Her determination to give this young life all that was in her was moving to say the least. The birth was not the easiest thing for me, being a nurse you think you have it all together, that you can handle it... well girls let me tell you it is different when it is your own laying there, at one moment I felt that horrible I am for sure going to faint feeling. I didnt but I was sure I was gonna...

Great friends gathered around Jess and I, held us up when we were tired, reminded us to rest when we could, and to eat when we should. Held me when I cried and reminded me so often that God was on the throne and he surely had my babies in his strong hands. And He did... Kaidan was born 16 hours later to a room full of relieved nurses and doctors and jubilant family and friends. He was finally in our presence and I for one was in love. That night I drove home, tears running down my face, relieved, full of joy, so in love with this new little man in our life. Blessed that my husband was by my side, but mostly glad that God once again protected mine and kept them safe from harm. He is a wonderful little man and I am so excited to get to know him and hear him call me grandma...

As if I failed

Sometimes in my profession we win, too often we lose....As we stand by the bedside, sweat running silently down our backs, our hearts pounding out of our chests, moving in synchronized chaos as a tightly wound team of professionals. The medications are being given, the chest compressions and airway management are underway, hoping that they will make a difference in the battle between life and death. Yet, in spite of our efforts we will frequently fail in our quest to save a life.

Rarely in this event do we find loved ones at the bedside that have no regrets, no words of anger spoken, no unresolved bitterness or neglect towards the newly deceased. A burden so heavy they are left only to walk on, defeated, saddened, frightened and angry. How many times have I heard if only I could go back, unsay the words, it was such a small thing to argue over, why havent I called or visited before now. Today it is too late. So as our team steps back, the last medication being administered and defeat is now only too obvious, the inevitable occurs, time of death is called.

I carry home with me today my humanity, my inability to save a life, my awareness that I can only do so much in my chosen profession of trying to save lives. I often walk away with the faces of the families who have just been dealt the cruelest of blows, they walk away with their failures so concrete in their mind, failure to love, to nurture, to walk in forgiveness, not knowing until today that life is precious and fleeting. Today truly could be our last day to walk this earth.

I am reminded this day, to love my family, to deal with anger and choose forgiveness, to not allow bitterness to control my heart and soul. Today I chose to wake and know that one day my opportunity to let those know I love them will too be lost to the struggle between life and death.

Silly Phobia's

I was going to start this blog with today's events, but decided it would make more sense to start it in June, the day I decided it was time to get over my extreme dental phobia and give the experience another chance... so here we go. I booked my appointment and waited ever so patiently for that day to arrive.

Finally it is time, I am going to have a root canal on number 18... that sounds very dentist like, this of course is my left side back molar... OK so Im in the chair and very fearful but acting tough which is my way, no-one must know... Inside Im freaking out...The dentist chairside manner is OK, he numbs me and begins his procedure, I have no reason to doubt his training or abilty to perform this little task.

Many times during my stay, he jumps up and leaves the room while I am sitting in the chair with a piece of what I hope is clean plastic holding my mouth open, a thin covering over my whole mouth. He of course is discussing at legnth the importance of dental care with another patient, I am the one with a mouth full of plastic, freaking out and wondering how long the numbing lasts and hoping it doesnt wear off before he returns???

But I am not alone in this room, I am left with the dental assistant who in conversation it comes out that I am a registered nurse, she feels it necessary to tell me about her MRSA infections, her scars and open wounds on her face are because she cannot stop picking her face and that she is taking narcotics regularly... Can this adventure get any worse... Im having fun now. Bring it on.
The dentist returns, believe it or not Im thrilled cause Im tired of my conversation with the MRSA infection carrying, face picking, narcotic popping assistant.

He begins again after an apology which truly didnt feel sincere in the least. Into the procedure he tries a different approach (his words) and an instrument flies off into my mouth, he is screaming to the assistent SUCTION, of course imagine my fear knowing the this is the above described assistant and Im hoping she hasnt popped any pills lately that would keep her from getting the suction quickly enough to protect my airway..

Finally the procedure part is over, now the part where the assistant begins to work on fitting me for my crown, imagine my delight at having her hands inside my mouth, I had visions of little MRSA bacteria swimming happily into my bloodstream and inside my tooth, but I must be paranoid..

So on to current times, a week ago, I start getting a nasty little toothache that quickly became crazy insane bad, morphine drip bad, desire to harm kittens bad.... So a trip back to the dentist, a new one as mine was not in (gosh golly darn) who nonchalantly says to me so you know about the instrument (file) left inside your tooth from the last procedure.....SHOCK must have showed on my face cause Im like NO....What does that mean... could that be my problem... why I have been in mind numbing pain for the last 4 days, missing 1/2 day of work and more sleep than I care to think about....

So being an RN I know that we are pretty fussy when we open someone up, to the point of counting every sponge, every instrument to insure all are accounted for...but Im assured this happens and is a risk of the root canal. Im not annoyed it happened cause Im aware stuff happens, Im ticked off that he didnt tell me it was there... SURPRISE, you have a potentially abscess/infection causing problem in your tooth that I caused and I know about it, and you dont, so instead I am going to put a crown on it and hope for the best.... If it doesnt work out then we will fix it.

Thankfully the endodontist was in the office and redid the root canal (just what I was wishing for) confirming I had a nasty little infection going on. He tells me this will be the first of at least 2 to 3 dentist office visits, goody... I felt that I was silly for my phobia.... however now my fears are confirmed, the dentist is a place that induces terror in me. Will always induce terror... Is it necessary yes it is, and yep Ill go back, Thursday to be exact, this is three days from now... knowing all the while that.....

I am not cured....