As if I failed

Sometimes in my profession we win, too often we lose....As we stand by the bedside, sweat running silently down our backs, our hearts pounding out of our chests, moving in synchronized chaos as a tightly wound team of professionals. The medications are being given, the chest compressions and airway management are underway, hoping that they will make a difference in the battle between life and death. Yet, in spite of our efforts we will frequently fail in our quest to save a life.

Rarely in this event do we find loved ones at the bedside that have no regrets, no words of anger spoken, no unresolved bitterness or neglect towards the newly deceased. A burden so heavy they are left only to walk on, defeated, saddened, frightened and angry. How many times have I heard if only I could go back, unsay the words, it was such a small thing to argue over, why havent I called or visited before now. Today it is too late. So as our team steps back, the last medication being administered and defeat is now only too obvious, the inevitable occurs, time of death is called.

I carry home with me today my humanity, my inability to save a life, my awareness that I can only do so much in my chosen profession of trying to save lives. I often walk away with the faces of the families who have just been dealt the cruelest of blows, they walk away with their failures so concrete in their mind, failure to love, to nurture, to walk in forgiveness, not knowing until today that life is precious and fleeting. Today truly could be our last day to walk this earth.

I am reminded this day, to love my family, to deal with anger and choose forgiveness, to not allow bitterness to control my heart and soul. Today I chose to wake and know that one day my opportunity to let those know I love them will too be lost to the struggle between life and death.